Sant Antoni de Portmany
You don’t go to Ibiza for food. You go for the beaches, parties, sun and some of the world’s best clubs. Food is a mere fuel you burn in order to survive the crazy lifestyle. You wake up in the morning and go to the beach, then in the evening you return to the ho(s)tel and eat whatever just to quench the hunger. Then you chill out in a cafe, return to your room and get dressed for the club. You go to the club at about 2-3 am and stay until about 6-7 am. On the way back you eat whatever food is available at that time.
They say that the party’s in San Antoni town. And that’s where we went for the long weekend. But I was up for a bit of disappointment as it wasn’t what I came for. Nothing was as I expected Where the fuck is THE Ibiza from movies and videos?!
First, let me tell you something. And British readers of this blog, please please do not take it as offence, but Brit teenage tourists scare me. Truly and really. I am terrified of them. Wasted, they crash and break anything that gets on their way. Vomiting and pissing all over the streets, along the walls of stores and street stalls, over the benches and tables and chairs of the cafe’s… For the moment I felt so guilty for making us come here.
But, what’s done is done. We decided to get the best of our stay here. Ibiza is all about the clubbing and that was exactly what we were gonna do. And we did
Café del Mar
Café del Mar is one of those places you have to visit during a lifetime. All because of the
beautiful spectacular sunset. Just don’t wait too long, you might loose your good spot if you come late
We drank Sangria Cava that is instead of a traditional red, made with sparkling wine and oranges. Of course it was great
While sipping on sangria, you have to snack on something, so we had nachos & guacamole and black olive tapenade with pita bread. Tapenade had a lot of anchovies and I liked that a lot, but pita bread was noting special by itself.
Prices: Sangria Cava – 26€ (regular Sangria 24€), Nachos with guacamole – 6€ (robbery!), Tapenade and pita bread – 5€.
As I already said, Ibiza is not that famous for it’s food and the only dish I wanted to try there was a paella. But I can plan as much as I want when there is none Actually, there is, but in front of too many restaurants there is the same sign with the same photos of an “authentic” paella that is made by heating frozen product in a microwave oven. Well, I will not pay 20€ for a frozen paella!
Alternative is a number of doner kebab places, that were fine, but no way good, and a few places with the gross looking burgers. Thank God that Bacardi Breezer can be bought in a store for only 1,8€!
Luckily, we managed to find a cute, small local restaurant. So local that not even the staff bothers to speak English
So, we ordered drinks and while we meditated over the menu the waiter came with two pieces of bread and the softest pork with parsley and garlic. Food on the rest of the tables looked amazing and resembled Serbian kafana Don’t you just love local places?
For appetizer when in Spain in summer, have gazpacho. On Ibiza, it’s awesomely in a glass Sit back and sip it like a cool cocktail
For mains we ordered chicken breasts and scallops. But we got veal scallopini. Because I was stupid. Or just had too many Breezers Never mind that, the food was amazing and me so happy for finally eating some real food, while my man grumbled how “Those Ibitzians can’t fry a decent fries!”
Prices: Lunch for two people – 3 drinks, appetizer, 2 mains and a burger – 22€. Give them a big tip ’cause they’re awesome!
Disappointed by San Antonio, we decided to move to Ibiza town. Hello hello Ibiza! Now we’re talking! This is what most of the people have in mind when thinking about Ibiza. If we knew, we could have spent the whole time here as the whole island is very well connected by buss lines, and the beaches are out of towns so it really doesn’t matter where you stay. And if you come at the time of the year that is not August, even the car rental is not too much. Not even the good clubs are in the towns but away and you get to them by Disco bus, with club music on, and even the driver kind of moves in the rhythm while driving.
So we checked in and went to the beach. But just to be sure, we asked the guys in a hostel if there was a place with a good paella and got ourselves an X on a map with a good local place. But no! When we got there it was closed. Spanish people take their siesta time very very seriously.
Desperate, we found a cute Mexican place that IS open during siesta. I thought to myself that it doesn’t matter, I am staying for a day longer, I’ll have my paella tomorrow.
Mexican restaurant was great. We had tequilas and a taste of almost the whole menu a.k.a. the Mexican train.
Chilli con carne, tortillas and DIY tacos, nachos, burritos… Everything perfect except for some nonsense made with frozen shrimps. Staff was so nice and so happy to see somebody managing to eat everything on the train Can’t remember the name of the place, though, but if you stumble on a Mexican place in Ibiza town, it’s a place to have a meal definitely!
Prices: Lunch for two people – a mountain of food and a few tequilas + tips – 80-something€.
That day in the evening, I sent off M on a plane and decided to walk around the town a little. The Old Town maze kind of got filled with gazillion little restaurants. All food, especially paellas, looked so damn good! But after the Mexican train there was no way for me to eat anything more. Not a problem, I thought again, tomorrow – breakfast in a restaurant suggested by the hostel staff, in the evening, before I go to the airport something downtown in one of these places.
But, after a couple of drinks at the hostel in the evening, I found out about a beautiful place with the most beautiful beaches only a few hours boat drive away. And after they promised there will be paella I got myself on a boat, payed 20€ ticket and sailed off. I’m gonna get myself a paella on the beach oh yeah! 2,5 hours later I got on the most touristic sightseeing bus Not my kind of thing usually, but I needed to see as many beaches possible in a day. 20€ more. Damn! But totally worth it. And impossible to describe. Next time I’m gonna park myself on this island and stay forever!
Boobies everywhere! All natural, no silicone It felt like I crashed on a set of making a video. Everyone around me was beautiful and handsome, and the guys finely built-up, chest hair removed Yeah!
Anyway, paella time came. I was so happy but of course, me and paella were not meant to be – two people minimum! Oh my God! I begged, I winked, showed legs, but no good. They saw it all on Ibiza and they don’t care about me or my paella. Or my legs So I took fried shrimps and calamari. Bah. Ridiculously expensive, but I ate everything. Only shrimps heads were left on a plate. Vietnamese soccer player thought me once that you should eat them whole if they’re deep fried
Prices: Calamari and shrimps – 19€ for one person, 2€ carbonated water, no paella, no tip.
An average cocktail in Ibiza is around 10€. 15€ in a beach club. They’re good and worth your money. Except when they’re a drink that is included in a club ticket. Then they’re crap.
An hour before I had to set of for the airport, I realized I made no photo of a cocktail. I can’t write about Ibiza and have no photo of a cocktail! Luckily, downstairs of my hostel there was a restaurant with a bar. So I go down for a farewell drink. Fucking siesta! No paella and no drinks for me today
I did have Caipirinha at the end In a local place for the local drunks. Just me, a barmen, siesta and a Caipirinha.
Caipirinha how I love thee!
At the end…
…I had a good time. If I’d come back to Ibiza, I would know what to do and what not to do. Where to stay, how to eat… They say that first time you are an Ibiza virgin and it only gets better. If you decide to set off to this island I hope my experiences help. Make sure you take a lot of money. Somehow no matter how much you take, it’s never enough here
Published in Mezze Magazine, Septembar 2012.